How to Forgive Someone Who Is Not Sorry

You have waited two years for the apology. Maybe ten. You have rehearsed their face when they finally say it. The apology never came and it never will. Meanwhile you are the one lying awake.

People use one word for two different things. The first needs the other person to come to you, own what they did and ask. That is reconciliation, and it is lovely when it happens. The second you can do alone, at your kitchen table, without anyone's permission. This page is about the second one.

What holding on costs

A grudge never reaches the person who hurt you. They are at work, or asleep, or living in another province. It ties you to them. Every replay, every speech you rehearse in the shower, every jolt when their name comes up spends your energy on someone who pays nothing for it.

What forgiveness looks like

Forgiving never pretends it was fine. The wrong stays wrong. Forgiving also never sends you back to live with the man who hit you. You can forgive your father and still keep the door locked. Forgiveness is a decision before it is a feeling, and the feeling shows up later, sometimes months later.

"Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye."

- Colossians 3:13 (KJV)

How to do it

Start with a decision. Say it out loud, with their name and what they did, no softening and no drama. Then say: I am letting go of what they owe me. You will have to decide it again tomorrow, and on Thursday. Forgiveness is less a moment than a road you keep choosing until one morning it feels different.

Then take it to God by name. Hand it over rather than complaining about them. Jesus had nails put through his hands and asked his Father to forgive the men holding the hammer (Luke 23:34). If he could say that from the cross, you can start with one sentence at your bedside tonight.

If you would like someone to pray it through with you, submit a prayer request here and our pastoral team at FGI will pray over it personally.

We talk about this openly

On Sundays at Fountain of Grace International in Pretoria North we deal with problems like this one by name. Teaching you can use the same week. Browse the sermons archive, or come in person this Sunday at 09:00.