How to Forgive Someone Who Is Not Sorry - And Why It Is for You, Not Them

There is a version of forgiveness that most people are waiting for and will never receive. It requires the other person to come to them, acknowledge what they did, express genuine remorse, and ask to be forgiven. That is reconciliation. It is beautiful when it happens. But it is not forgiveness - and you do not need the other person present to do it.

Forgiveness is something you do inside yourself, for yourself, regardless of whether the person who hurt you ever acknowledges it.

What unforgiveness actually costs

When you hold onto an offence, it does not punish the person who wronged you. It anchors you to them. Every time you replay what happened, rehearse what you would say, or feel that familiar tightness in your chest when their name comes up - you are spending your own energy on something they are often not even thinking about.

The common image of bitterness is a poison you drink while hoping the other person gets sick. It is accurate. The harm does not go where you aim it. It stays where it lives.

What forgiveness is not

It is not saying what happened was okay. It was not okay. Forgiveness does not change what happened or erase the fact that real harm was done.

It is not reconciliation. You can forgive someone and still maintain a boundary. Forgiving an abusive parent does not mean moving back in with them.

It is not a feeling. Forgiveness is a decision followed by a process. The feeling of release usually comes after the decision, not before it.

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

- Colossians 3:13

How to actually do it

The process starts with a choice, not a feeling. You decide that you are no longer going to let this offence hold territory in your life. You name what happened clearly and honestly - not minimising it, not dramatising it - and you make a deliberate choice to release the debt you feel you are owed.

You will probably need to make that choice more than once. Forgiveness is rarely a single moment. It is more like a direction you keep choosing until the weight of it finally lifts. Some people describe it as choosing the same road every morning for months until one day they realise the road feels different.

Prayer accelerates this in ways that are hard to explain until you experience them. Bringing the specific person and the specific offence before God - not to complain about them, but to genuinely release it - tends to move the process faster than carrying it alone. If this is something you are working through, submit a prayer request here and the pastoral team at FGI will pray over it personally.

This is something we talk about openly at FGI

At Fountain of Grace International in Pretoria North, real problems get real answers on Sundays. Not platitudes. Not "just pray harder." Practical, Biblical teaching that you can apply the same week. You can listen to messages on related topics in the sermons archive, or come in person this Sunday at 09:00.